Marquette University Intimations Project

Marcella Michalek

1. “Normal Girl” – SZA (January 2021)

I’m

not sure if I can do this. Write this. 

No. Not this right now. 

But this when I listened to this song.

Being vulnerable is hard. Easier when you’re opening up to someone you’ll never meet. Harder when it’s someone who already knows you. 

Or thinks that they know you. Thinks they know you well. 

I’ve spent a lot of these past few years. Wishing I was normal. Wishing that I had a life like everyone else seems to have. 

But I don’t.

But I’m coming to realize that I don’t. Want that. What everyone else seems to have.

Because then I wouldn’t be me. Myself. 

At least that’s what I wrote in this personal statement. Not sure if I entirely believe what I wrote though.

2. “The Start of Things” – Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross (January 2021)

I’m

at my childhood desk. bought it stained black. now it has splotches of color. nail polish. My right hand has always been hard. 

Sitting here. Doing this. Makes me feel like. I’m still a kid. Who’s about to grow up.

Be careful what you wish for. Because you just might get it. my dad tells me. His chosen words of encouragement. Looking back. What a Prophet.

I feel like. I’m taking a step into the void. When I press submit. The Start of Things, you see?

There’s a certain comfort in things being out of your control. Especially when you’re a perfectionist. 

3. “the girl I haven’t met yet” – ikigai (February 2021)

I’m 

a nostalgic person, okay?

,okay? Because I feel the need to defend myself being a nostalgic person. Most of the time to myself.

Okay, but

This is the song I listened to when I first wrote.

I mean. I had written before. But this time. A different part of me was doing the writing. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll forget about that part of myself. Or worse. Lose that part of myself. 

Because plaintiff motions are filed by 5 PM on Thursdays. Because motions don’t have poetic prose to them. Because motions need to have properly formatted citations proofread by associates and assistants. 

So that’s why I’m feeling nostalgic. On this Thursday afternoon. 

4. “Buried Alive” – Logic (February 2021)

I’m

a runner now. Apparently. 

Yea so. Back in January. When I thought there’s a certain comfort in things being out of your control. Yea. I don’t believe that anymore. 

But in my opinion. Thinking that for a whole month is pretty good. For a perfectionist. 

So anyway. Now I’m a runner. Because running gives me some semblance of control. I can control how long it takes me to go. to the lake. and back.  

Haven’t ran like this since the summer. After my freshman year of college. The last time I really needed to run away. 

Being vulnerable is hard. Easier to push my body to its limits.

5. “Watch Over This Boy” – Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross (March 2021)

I’m 

just walking now. 

being underneath the stars. at 1 AM. is kinda my thing. I’ve always liked the solitude of being alone. with my own thoughts. 

But I haven’t really been alone recently. Because now more and more. I see this rabbit. Who watches me on my way home. 

I don’t believe in signs. I don’t believe in signs. I don’t believe in signs. I remind myself. 

But when this little rabbit with a little white tail jumps in front of me. I kinda have to, right?

6. “Life on Mars” – David Bowie (March 2021)

I’m 

22 years old. As of. Today. 

I look into the mirror at myself. Really look at myself. And I start to cry. 

Not because I’m sad. Actually because I’m proud of. Myself. 

I don’t let myself feel this way. too often. So it takes me a while to process. What I’m feeling. 

Because I’m so conditioned. Because I’ve conditioned myself. To be hard so on myself. 

But today when I look into the mirror. At the person staring back at me. It does feel like we made it. Together. Me and this stranger who is also the person I know best in this world. Myself. 

7. “Songs for Women” – Frank Ocean (April 2021)

I’m

Coming to realize that I don’t

Know Myself. 

And I’m not sure if Anyone really knows Themselves. 

But it feels like the world just might know Me.

And what a beautiful feeling that is.  

8. “Hand Covers Bruise” – Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross (April 2021)

I’m

a history major. Who spends her time learning about anywhere but here. 

Because honestly. I’ve never left here. 

But I’m not going to be here next year. 

And even if I do come back. It will be different. Because I will be different. 

To have experiences this city did not give me. Is both exciting and slightly terrifying. 

I think as I walk through an empty campus. Looking up the church steeples. That I can see from the path down by the lake near the South Side. That I always walk on whenever I go home. 

9. “Hey Jude” – The Beatles (May 2021)

I’m

Still grieving. In my own sort of way.

I look up the Five. Stages. Of. Grief. 

And I don’t remember feeling any of them. Maybe I just felt them all. at. once. 

I do like to be productive with my time. 

But now I catch myself. Thinking about how. She doesn’t know where I’m going to be next year. And it feels like. My throat catches on fire. 

But maybe she actually does know. 

I don’t know. And that’s okay. 

Somehow I actually do find comfort in that. Not knowing. And not being expected to know. 

Being vulnerable is hard.

10.  “Dream Sign” – aarigod (May 2021)

I’m 

A nostalgic person. For a lot of reasons. 

And honestly. I want to stop defending how I feel. to Myself.

I think it is a beautiful thing

To feel pain

Sometimes slight. But sometimes immense.

When thinking about what once was.

Because it serves as a reminder of

Just how alive 

I am.