Marquette University Intimations Project

Elena Fiegen

Ireland: 

It has been a long year or so. And in terms of the COVID era, I think I have been avoiding really sitting and reflecting or thinking about. I am still in the getting through it phase, and wanting to not think about the past year because it is hard to. So now, having read intimations and being presented with this assignment, it is time for me to take some steps towards thinking about and processing it. When we first entered the COVID era, I was in Ireland. I was studying abroad in the Spring semester of 2020. It was interesting to see everything play out from being outside the U.S. I checked a completely different system of news than I was used to and as we heard more and more about the virus in European countries and in the U.S., it seemed as though it was safer to stay in Ireland. We did not know how serious it was yet. But then everyone on the floor of my university apartment was asked to move out to other floors of the building so that our floor could become a quarantine space. This was scary, and hard because we had become a close group of roommates and friends. But it turned out that it was time to leave anyway, since, the day after I had moved to a different apartment, Marquette sent out an email to the students in Ireland saying they recommended we return to the U.S. They had held off since Ireland was one of the last countries to be added to the impending COVID travel ban. If we wanted to stay, we had to sign something saying that we were choosing to do so. 

At that point, my parents wanted me to come home and I was scared and exhausted so it was time for me to go. I wasn’t ready to leave, but everything had turned into a lot to deal with and I wanted to go back to my home and family. My roommates had all had similar conversations with their families, but many of them were not in Ireland at that time so most of us did not get the chance to say goodbye to each other. This left those few months feeling like some sort of weird dream and prevented a normal sense of closure. I got a plane ticket to go back to Chicago and spent most of the night stressed and packing. My goal was to get to the airport 10 hours early, because I had heard from friends about the health screening lines taking at least 8 hours to get through. I knew that I would need to leave early to avoid missing my flight and having to try again the next day. 

I left that morning at 5:00 am. I do not think that I have ever drank as much coffee in my life as I did to try to stay awake and alert in the airport. I pressed down any emotions that I was having about being anxious or sad so that I could focus on getting home. I felt guilty about being sad about my study abroad program ending early as people were suffering, sick, and dying. I felt guilty about feeling anything negative while all that was going on. I finally made my way through the airport, past security, and then into the screening line for people traveling back to the U.S. from Europe. I had heard about people not getting through the screening because they stated they had a runny nose or sore throat. So it was important that I not cough a bunch in that line, but thinking about trying not to cough only makes it more difficult.

Everyone in line eventually had to sit on the floor of the airport, since it would take a few hours before any of us moved. And, I should add, that being in this line and getting through that airport and flight was hard for me. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and this would be the beginning of the long journey of what having OCD during a global pandemic would mean for me. I would worry about my safety, the safety of my loved ones, and just the general safety of other people in the world and society a lot in the times to come. But at that moment, in order to get home, I needed to be able to sit in that line for 8 hours, with so many people around me who had just come from various countries. All breathing the same air and with most people not wearing masks. We did not know how important they were yet. I did not have any sanitary wipes and had limited hand sanitizer since it was sold out everywhere. Everyone sat on the floor, people passed out water bottles, and some got some sleep. Before getting in line, I had bought several books from the airport gift shop, but it turns out most of my time was spent talking to the people around me. The talking to people part was nice, but everything else not so much. 

I finally got through the first stage of screening, and went into a larger waiting room where everyone was waiting to be given their passports back and get their final screenings. I was told that since I was flying back to Chicago, I would be receiving a CDC screening at O’Hare. My passport was returned to me, but the problem was an official from each flight needed to come and get groups of people for their specific flights. If you were being screened on the Dublin airport end of things, then you could leave when you were done. But if you were being screened at the airport you were flying to, you had to wait. As time ticked by, it became difficult to sit and be patient. Everyone was so busy doing their jobs and I did not want to disturb them, but my boarding time was drawing nearer and no one had come to get me. I could not just opt to leave and find my flight on my own because the doors required a card swipe to leave. Eventually, a girl came through that was also on my flight. We talked to each other, exchanging details about ourselves and concerns, and we stuck together for the rest of the time until we boarded. An attendant came to gather everyone for our flight, and we made it onto the plane. Then I needed to calm my OCD and anxiety as I sat in the contained space of the plane, where the person next to me informed me (“don’t freak out”) he had been studying abroad in Italy, which at the time was a hotspot. Finally, I was back in Chicago and the CDC line there was quick. Finally, I was hugging my parents. I collapsed, jetlagged and emotionally/physically drained into my parents car and went home. 

Quarantine & Sheltering in Place: 

For the next several months, I stayed at my parents home. For a lot of college students, it can be an odd feeling to go back home after living independently with friends at school. My sister came back from her school, I came back from Ireland and the five people in my immediate family (me, my sister, brother, father, and mother) stayed inside together. Looking back at my texts during that time, my closest friend and I were freaking out about having to do school work while everything was happening around us. We were anxious and scared, nothing felt normal so focusing on work was really difficult. There is also this whole sensation about going back from

college to home and the feeling of regressing back to who you were/where you were in high school and that role. But there is also the sense of wanting to keep the growth and identity that you have developed while you were away from your family. So that can clash a bit. I will say, it certainly brought my family closer together. As we all tried to live our lives and work in the same space, there were both moments where we all annoyed each other and moments where we all enjoyed spending time together. We watched many tv shows and movies, played games, and had family dinners. We experienced a lot of the emotions that the COVID era brought on and talked about them. In the midst of everything feeling like Groundhog Day, and all the worrying, it also became clear to me the immense amount of love that we have for one another. 

Working Out: 

During these past two semesters of living together, one of my roommates and I have started working out together. Once a day, every day we turn the Christmas lights in our living room on, light a candle, or lay out our yoga mats in the living room and do yoga, pilates, or whatever we feel like doing. We started doing this about a month before the presidential election this year. We had begun to get extremely stressed and anxious regarding various situations in the country and world, so we started going for runs. Then we started doing Just Dance videos and other dance workout videos. Then we started doing strength and core workouts and created a whole rotation of things to do. Sometimes, during our workouts we concentrate and don’t talk at all. Other times, we somehow manage to talk throughout working out, while mostly keeping up with the instructor on the screen. And sometimes the instructor goes through the moves while we lay chatting and stretching, barely paying attention. But no matter what we do, taking that time, that one hour, helps both my mind and my body. Though at times I hate planks and bicycle crunches with a bitter passion, I can work out frustration, release tension and stress, and spend time focusing on something that isn’t academic or related to my job at all. 

Staying inside: 

For my last two semesters of college, I was lucky enough to live with roommates that I am very close friends with. One of my roommates works in a clinic and is a student in the healthcare industry and the other works in a nursing home. So, we have been extremely careful. And not just because of their jobs, but because we don’t want to risk spreading the virus in any way to anyone. In this COVID Era, and for the past year I can think of a lot of reasons why I stay in the apartment, reduce going out and seeing people and am very careful. Part of it is my OCD and anxiety, because I am so worried about 1. Infection and my body getting sick and 2. Causing harm to or getting anyone else sick. So, I stayed inside a lot and avoided going places and seeing people in person. I know that I am fortunate to be able to do this and that my job, classes, and situation allows me to do this. However, it has been hard to do this. It has been hard to completely stop dating and to stop meeting new friends or people in person. It was also hard because while dealing with issues involving trauma and mental health, being stuck inside can be difficult. But there are people who for whatever reason staying in is not a choice for because they are at an increased risk if they contract COVID. And I think about the wellbeing of other people a lot, so going out would make me anxious. For me, there have been both good and bad effects with this. One of the good things is that I have had a lot of time to slow down and learn more about myself. I learned more about who I am and worked at learning a new way of doing things whether it was participating in classes virtually, working virtually, or connecting with my friends virtually. And it is intimidating getting ready to graduate and go out into the world and society, but I have learned a lot this year about resilience.